Your Sex Questions, Answered (Part 1)!
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Despite how often we’re all exposed to sex (and, in some respects, how universal of an experience it is), it’s still considered a taboo topic. Have you ever stopped and wondered why that is? I think part of the reason is that we don’t have all the information, and that sex can feel unrelatable. Plus, the way sex is portrayed in the media is not particularly realistic, nor is it inclusive of, say, women and/or vulva owners over 50. I’m all about keeping the details of my personal sex life private—it’s an intimate part of any relationship, to me—but in terms of talking about sex in general, I’m all about that too! I think it’s natural to have questions about sex, especially as we age, given how much our bodies, relationships, and self-image can change overtime.
I asked YOU, the members of the Pure Joy Wellness Community, to send me all of your questions about sex—and you did NOT hold back! You sent in the best questions! To answer them, I decided to ask Dr. Juliana Hauser, PhD, LPC, LMFT, a sexuality expert, coach, and educator (you can check out her website here). As you’ll see in this blog post, she has tons of practical, actionable advice for establishing, reigniting, or maintaining a healthy sex life, solo or with a partner! Read on to have ALL of your sex questions answered! (And tune in next week for Part 2!)
1. The Clitoris—what do we need to know about it? How is it used?
Here are some lovely facts about a great organ!
The clitoris is the pleasure center of the vulva.
Current research concludes that the clitoris’ role is pleasure based and focused. It is one of the most sensitive erogenous zones on our body due to its high concentration of nerve endings.
The clitoris is part of the vulva (the outer anatomy). A misconception that our terrible sex education has given us historically is that the clitoris is merely the small ‘bean like’ button on the top of our vulva. This is inaccurate and it’s unfortunate that we are taught only parts of our anatomy.
My favorite book to understand our anatomy on an evolved level is The Clitoral Truth by Rebecca Chalker. Learning about the whole clitoral system and how it works can help you understand how all of your anatomy works together to bring you pleasure. Plus, it can help you find different locations and ways to stimulate your body to find pleasure and orgasm.
2. Since menopause, I have lost my libido. How can I get it back?
This side effect is very common. Thankfully, there are many companies helping women in menopause to combat this symptom. The short answer is: yes, you can! The longer answer is that you may need medical support from someone or a team that is sex positive, sexual affirming, and menopause competent.
My favorite companies currently are Femme Pharma, Gennev and Kindra. All three have different products or services to help with promoting sexual fulfillment, and they have different education platforms and podcasts. I recommend joining these vibrant communities to keep up with the latest products, ideas, treatments, and to help normalize the experience. [Disclaimer: I have worked with all three companies but do not get paid to recommend them.]
For most women, a combination of hormonal replacement therapy under the care of a menopause expert and sexually affirming medical professional, sex therapy, supplements, and a general attitude of "I'm not broken, I am different,” make an enormous difference.
My favorite providers currently are Dr. Suzanne Gilberg-Lenz, Dr. Jen Gunter, and Dr. Kelly Casperson. They give out a lot of free information on social media platforms or podcasts and are forward thinking, specific with advice and normalizing of the experience.
3. Will my vagina shrink over time? Can it shrink without use?
There are a lot of myths and mysteries about our reproductive and sexual organs. (Thank you, awful sex education!). One such mystery is “how does our vagina age” and “does the phrase ‘use it or lose it’ apply to our vaginas?”
The short answer is…kind of. The real answer is that it isn’t as awful as it sounds, and there are things that you can do to reverse or decrease the change.
The vagina is an organ that experiences benefits when directly stimulated. Stimulation increases oxygen and blood circulation there, which helps the vaginal canal’s flexibility, elasticity and suppleness. When your vulva and vagina do not receive direct stimulation, these benefits decrease. The effect of this decrease of stimulation is evident after months or years of lacking stimulation—we’re not talking about a few days or weeks. The effects are also not largely noticeable to most women.
So, with the decrease in blood flow to the area, you may experience a slight shrinkage in your vaginal canal, but most women will experience a return to typical size once resuming stimulation again. Remember that direct stimulation or ‘use’ can be solo play or partnered, it can be with a body part or sex toy, and it can be with penetration or vulva stimulation only.
Another change that can happen is called “vaginal atrophy” (it’s a horrible name). This term is used to describe the thinning, drying and inflammation of the vaginal walls due to a decrease in estrogen. (We produce less estrogen as we age.) Some confuse this condition with vaginal shrinkage but it is different.
Bottom line: Our vaginas change throughout our lives. Some of these changes are welcomed, some are not, some are permanent, but most are not. We have many more options available to us to treat the changes that interfere with our sexual functioning and fulfillment, so don’t despair! I encourage you to be mindful of how scary Dr. Google can be, and to listen to the needs of your body when working with health care providers.
4. I’ve never had an orgasm during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me?
There is nothing wrong with you! Not at all. In fact, your experience aligns with the vast majority. Most women report that they do not have an orgasm through intercourse alone, and want or need stimulation to their clitoris or vulva to experience it. Some women find pleasure through an area in the vaginal canal typically labeled the ‘g-spot’ and if women are tuned into this area, will report sometimes experiencing orgasm through penetration alone but this is not in the vast majority consistently.
My mentor, Betty Dodson, had a wonderful way of normalizing orgasm variance by proclaiming that all orgasms were to be celebrated and encouraged us to not make a hierarchical, valued view of orgasms. No orgasm or type of orgasm is better than another. Pleasure is pleasure.
5. How do I focus enough so I can orgasm? How do I focus on the right things to make it happen?
If you are dealing with distraction during sexual connection, I recommend several things:
Do a To Do/Stress List unloading outside of the bedroom. The unloading can help your mind settle knowing the list is waiting for you to pick up when you are ready or it can serve as the focus of processing/releasing distracting thoughts, anxiety and stress.
Release and relax instead of putting pressure on yourself to focus on something. The art of letting go is actually part of the key to experiencing pleasure and orgasm.
Prioritize pleasure as the journey and ‘goal’ instead of orgasm.
Increase your self-pleasure practice so you are really in tune to your body and understand your pleasure journey and path towards orgasm.
Put time into understanding what turns your senses on and off. Tuning into your hearing, smell, sight, touch and taste preferences can help you stay in the moment and having mindful sexual connection helps open up many more pathways of pleasure and ability to orgasm.
Your mind is as important to your orgasm as your clitoral system. Sift through your relationship to sex, pleasure, and letting go.
Prioritize knowing what makes you feel safe so you can be vulnerable and let go. Ask yourself what you need to feel emotionally safe, physically safe and safe in the relationship of seeking orgasm in partnered sex.
6. Is it important to talk during sex?
There are many benefits for talking during sex! For some, talking during sex can be incredibly sexy. If hearing is a turn on, talking can help heighten arousal, take a person to a fun mental fantasy place, or keep the person grounded and connected. Talking can also help with making sure all partners are consenting to sex acts and are comfortable with the experience.
Talking can also help someone who is having a hard time staying focused on sexual connection or distracted by stress/other factors stay in the moment and stay in connection with a partner. For some people, though, talking can be distracting, overstimulating or a turn off, so always check in with your needs and the interests of your partner. If talking feels awkward or if the tone or topic of talking isn’t what each person wants, it can cause disconnection. Always check in with yourself and your partner during sexual connection.
7. I’ve had a hysterectomy and my cervix has been removed—can my partner tell? Does he feel anything different?
There haven’t been a lot of studies on post-hysterectomy sex for the woman or her partner (as is the case with many topics related to female sexuality). Here’s what we do know:
Science has shown us that vaginas tend to stretch or elongate when aroused (to accommodate penetration), and this stretching is helpful for pleasurable sex and fertility.
The cervix is the small canal that connects your uterus and vagina.
Although the vaginal canal has the capability to elongate post surgery in arousal, with the cervix no longer present, it can not also ‘lift’ up slightly causing a lessening of the elongation. So in theory, this could mean that your partner could ‘feel’ something different post surgery, but it is very unlikely. (And if you’ve only had this partner in your life post-surgery, they won’t know the difference.)
One study concluded that the shortening of the vaginal length was significant enough to measure and reported women citing a disruption of sexual functioning post surgery. But, that is one study. It often happens that one study becomes ‘fact for all,’ causing many to lose hope or feel out of options. I don’t want you to feel that way. In my two decades in this work, I have not come across a partner complaining about feeling anything different inside of their partner post surgery, nor has this been the chief complaint of a woman post surgery. Sure, it could exist, but isn’t common. If you are concerned, I would seek medical examination to ensure all has healed correctly. Conversely, many women cite feeling less pain from penetration hitting her cervix (if she felt pain pre-surgery).
One thing to consider: the vaginal wall can be tighter after surgery so deep penetration might not be likely for a while but can be achieved, if desired, through pelvic floor therapy, vaginal dilators or safe, consensual and gradually increased penetration.
8. If my male partner has a small penis, how can we maximize pleasure?
Focus on positions that maximize pleasure through length or girth. For some, changing hip positioning with a pillow allows for different penetration or helps you have more control. Doggie style, sitting on top while partner is in a chair, and cow girl are often preferred sex positions to optimize size with girth or length issues.
Two other tips:
Have your partner wear a cockring or a new product called OhNut which sometimes can help engorge the penis and widen girth, if that is the size issue.
Engage in penetrative sex for the connection aspect and his pleasure and when you are interested in further pleasure or orgasm for you, use a sex toy that meets your needs for penetration. Normalize that your pleasure can be enhanced or achieved through aids and adaptations like a sex toy.
9. How can I tell my spouse that I want to spice things up in the bedroom? What’s the best way to approach that conversation?
Here’s what I recommend to make this conversation as successful as possible:
Have the conversation outside of sexual connection
Keep an attitude of curiosity and playfulness
Come to the conversation with clear yes and no’s, but also be open to trying a safe and consensual sex act once
Be someone your partner can be vulnerable with; someone who they can take risks and try new things with
I have an exercise that is sent to you when you sign up for my newsletter on my website called the Four Quadrant Exercise. It walks you through ideas for sex acts that you put into one of four categories. This is a great exercise that both you and your partner do solo, and then you come together and share your findings to discern where you have commonalities and differences
See any differences as positives instead of scary chasms in sexual needs and desires
Don’t see each other as being responsible for fulfilling everything in each other
Spend some time on fantasies that fall into two different categories: a) fantasies that are exciting to think about that you may want to try in real life and b) fantasies that are exciting to talk about or think about, but you wouldn’t want to do in real life.
I hope you all enjoyed this blog post—there’s PLENTY more where those came from! Dr. Hauser answered EIGHT MORE QUESTIONS for us, which I’ll be releasing next week in Part 2 of this sex series! Come back next week for even more fantastic advice from an incredible expert.
Xo,
Renata